Note 2: Do not bring your own food.

I understand that some may disagree with this statement. Some must honestly think it is thoughtful and generous to arrive at my house with a bag of groceries. So I understand that this may be shocking and my future mother-in-law self may argue with me on this. But I assure you, you do not need to bring Raisin Bran or any other high fiber cereal when you are staying at my house. If your regularity truly hinges on your morning cereal {as you so lovingly explain in much too much detail}, I am happy to provide you with a complimentary box. And no, this is not wasteful because you eat the cereal when you stay here, ergo, it is not going to waste!! 

However, if you also insist on drinking 3-4 bottles of $18 / bottle wine each and every time you visit it would be greatly appreciated if you bring a bottle or two {or 3 or 4}. You see, my wine budget may or may not allow for $18 bottles of wine to flow at the rate of two per evening. Hosting meals and liquor can be an imposition on the family budget. Please be conscious of that.

The $4 box of cereal is on me. I'd much rather you foot the $80 wine bill.  

Note to my future mother-in-law self: Please allow me to provide your meals when you stay for a weekend or a week. I will even stock a few preferred items. Do, however, be considerate when consuming large quantities of alcohol that may be an imposition on the family budget.

Note 1: Never rant via email.

It is the email read 'round the world.  Carolyn Bourne may now be the most famous "monster-in-law" after penning a scathing email to her future daughter-in-law, Heidi Withers, telling her to mind her manners. After Heidi shared the email with a few friends who clearly shared it with a few friends . . . well, as you can imagine, the email has gone positively viral online and has been featured in most of England's national newspapers. 

The full email reads as follows: 

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you. 

Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you. 

It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so. 

Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace. 

Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste. 

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series. 

Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible. 

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners: 

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something. 

You do not remark that you do not have enough food. 

You do not start before everyone else. 

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host. 

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms. 

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter. 

I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her. 

You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool. 

[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example. 

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. 

It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren't the only young person in the world who is a diabetic. 

I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition. 

She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar. 

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example. 

You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately. 

No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour. 

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.) 

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes. 

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

Ouch! 

I pity Freddie too.  His mother is an absolute monster!  

Need I even mention the irony of sending such a viciously worded email discussing manners?! I imagine you noted that already. 

Note to my future mother-in-law self: Never, ever rant in an email.  Only say in writing what you'd be happy to see on the evening news.